A Life of Tensions

​I grew up in a world where everything was orderly, dogmatic, and resolute. My theology was spot-on. I had a moral, conservative family. I had an internal awareness that things were bad somewhere out "there," but life was good. Uneventful and dull, but still good. There came a day when I realized my simple world was not so uncomplicated. I realized my perceptions of the thing called "love" and "attraction" and "infatuation" were not what I had seen in Disney movies or in the lives of people I knew. Girls still had cooties, but boys had suddenly gone from the most boring creatures on earth to the most exciting... There came a realization that these feelings did not align with what I had grown up expecting or understanding. Feelings of confusion and isolation set in fast. I had grown up in such a sheltered world that I had no concept of what "gay" meant. I had crushes on guys, but did not begin to think there was a label for the experience.

'Many Christians would prefer to ostracize people like me... Others would

audaciously embrace our sexuality and stifle what Scripture may be revealing.'

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Struggling Is Part of Existence

I have discovered with age and further self-awareness that life is filled with tensions that are not easily solved. Free will versus election; futurism versus preterism; God's goodness versus the problem of suffering and evil. Struggling is part of existence, yet we live in a culture that fears tension. We would rather use an intellectual Tylenol to cure the headache of philosophical and theological dilemmas.

Find Middle Ground and Face Tough Questions

Many Christians would prefer to ostracize people like me that experience same-sex attraction and assume we're possessed by demons or we chose this sin for ourselves and thus have to suffer the consequences. Others would audaciously embrace our sexuality and stifle what scripture may be revealing. There are few who are willing to find middle ground and face the tough questions that arise in the issue. Did God make him or her gay? What does God expect of gays and lesbians? Can we really tell these people to give up the opportunity to find love? The answers may seem simple, yet when one experiences the struggle or knows and cares for one who does, these are uncomfortable questions that are not as easy to answer. Yet the questions should be brought up. Thinking and grappling with these issues are healthy for our growth.

We Would Love to Hit the Escape Button

This post is a mere introduction to a pertinent issue in my life. We all experience tensions that we would like to ignore. We would love to hit the escape button and not feel burdened by the weight of our particular struggle. I would recommend dealing with it--don't worry if the questions remain unanswered. It's all a process of learning to see the world through eyes that are not our own. Some my friends call it "putting on your Jesus glasses." Maybe it doesn't make life any clearer, but I have found that bringing these issues to God is very therapeutic for my soul and helps me accept and live in the midst of many frustrating tensions.

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-S.C.